A Star-Studded Affair

Boy, oh boy, the election season is beginning to heat up!  Ted Cruz (who you might remember as the net neutrality hating guy) has recently announced he will run for president in the 2016 election.  Rand Paul is allegedly set to announce his candidacy in April and Marco Rubio is apparently seeking a run at the presidency as well.

That means the GOP is gonna get heated next year.

You see, and I might be brash to call this now, but in all likelihood the winner of the GOP primary is probably going to be your next President of the United States.  If you’re a Democrat and reading this, I apologize, but if you examine history, every President since FDR that’s served two terms has seen his opponent’s party win the presidency in the next election.  George Dubbya?  Two terms.  Republican.  Clinton before him? Two terms, Democrat.  Daddy Bush, one term, but before him Reagan served two terms and before him Jimmy Carter, a Democrat was in office and this process repeats itself several more times.  So, President Obama, a Democrat wrapping up his second term, likely won’t be welcoming a fellow blue-blood into his ranks in 2016.

And honestly, the strongest candidate for the Democrats is Hillary Clinton, but her recent string of scandalous scandals might hurt her chances a little bit.

As far as the GOP goes, you have Cruz and Paul, who are pretty much locks to run for president and the possibility exists of Rubio, the Republican party’s golden boy, seeking nomination while fellow Floridan politician Jeb Bush seeks to turn his family into the greatest dynasty since the Chicago Bulls.  If these four guys actually all announce their candidacy, then the GOP turns into an absolutely star-studded affair.  If you literally sat down, right now, and conducted a search for the current “who’s who” of the Republican party, you’re going to have a hard time coming up with more notorious names than the four of them.

I guess with all things considered, I’m going to go ahead and predict who will win the Republican nomination for the 2016 Presidential Election.

Candidate #1 – Ted Cruz

If you look at that photo and say, “wow, that dude really needs to fart”, then that’s odd because I thought the exact same thing.  And to be honest, that’s the best picture of him I could find.  Dude always looks like he’s holding in a fart.  And, as Americans, we enjoy a democracy, meaning we can choose to vote, or not vote, for a guy that looks like he has to fart all the time.  This man is a red-blooded, abortion-outlawin’, gay-hatin’, gun-lovin’ born and bred Texan who actually wasn’t born in Texas at all.  As the descendant of a Cuban father born in Canada, Cruz is probably going to be on the receiving end of some “where’s your birth certificate jokes” from haughty liberals.  As I mentioned, he doesn’t support net neutrality, but you can’t really fault him when he just wants to keep your government out of his Netflix.  Can’t fault him one bit.  He also vehemently expressed his displeasure with Obama care, only to recently sign his family up for Obama care, a move made necessary by the fact his wife quit her job to support his campaign and apparently the state of Texas follows a strict “Old Yeller” motif for their acting U.S. Senators.  He holds degrees from Princeton and Harvard and is a practicing Southern Baptist (think giant scary Joel Osteen churches).

His chances:

Probably not too bad, but he’s certainly not your frontrunner.  Some consider him too Republican, and the changing political landscape pretty much prevents prospective candidates from being too-anything.  He also vows to “secure the US borders” which is an extraordinarily ironic statement considering his father is a Cuban immigrant that became a naturalized citizen. But oh well, maybe I’m the one splitting hairs.

Candidate #2 – Marco Rubio

Ah yes, the Crown Prince of the Tea Party movement.  The perfect hair, glowing smile, and he’s just Hispanic enough where it counts as being interesting, but not so much where he’s dangerous.  He’s somewhere between Michael Pena and Danny Trejo, and that fact is just fine with a Republican Party who seems set on supporting this somehow 43-year old star of the show.  Like Cruz, Rubio comes from a Cuban background as both of his parents immigrated to the US before becoming naturalized citizens.  He nails everything a Republican voter could want; he supports a flat tax rate while opposing capital gains, he’s pro-life, a second amendment supporter, and he HATES terrorism (which is an attribute all parties should probably share).  However, he really, really doesn’t like the idea of climate change, and has fully denied any human impact has caused climate change.  The American Conservative Union awarded him with a 100 “Conservative Rating” and presumably a bust of Ronald Reagan.

His chances:

Probably pretty good.  Like I said, his party loves him and he is actively seeking the support of the Latino community, a group which could potentially shift the power of an election.  However, like Cruz, the argument could be made that Rubio is “too Republican” and would alienate independent or swing-voters.  He wife is also a former Dolphins cheerleader, so there’s that, too.  Just saying.

Candidate #3 – Jeb Bush

The younger brother of George W. Bush and the Bush family’s Malcolm in the Middle, Jeb Bush served for eight years as the governor of Florida, which is a whole eight years longer than anyone has ever wanted to hold that position.  Jeb, despite looking every bit like a high school chemistry teacher, actually took up Latin Studies at the University of Texas and probably has the weakest educational background of all the candidates.  Sure, it’s not a shiny J.D. from Harvard, but it’s better than a cosmetology degree from a vocational school.  Anyway, Bush is pretty much as Bush as you can imagine, and despite his lack of solid educational background it’s hard to argue anyone is more qualified for the job than him, considering both his dad and big brother serves a combined 12 years as Commander-in-Chief.

His chances:

Probably not great.  Papa Bush only served one forgettable term while Dubbya looked to be on his way to the political record books after his handling of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, only to have everyone completely forget all the good his did in his first term by having a disastrous second stint, punctuated by a botched response to Hurricane Katrina.  His long-lost cousin Reggie Bush had to forfeit his Heisman, so there’s that to deal with too.  The American public is probably tired of seeing so much Bush at this point.

Candidate #4 – Rand Paul

Paul is a U.S. Senator from Kentucky (born in Pittsburgh) and is the son of the ever-eccentric Ron Paul.  He’s actually a practicing ophthalmologist, and operated a practice in Kentucky, so he followed in his father’s footsteps by first pursuing a noble medical career only to give it up in favor of becoming a slimy politician.  That’s really not fair to say, because by every account the only unlikable quality Paul has is the fact he attended Duke University, which should instantly make you disdain anyone slightly more (with the notable exception of Ken Jeong).  He’s pretty Republican, but not that Republican.  He supports a flat tax and seems to adopt more traditionally Republican fiscal viewpoints, but from a social standpoint his views are far from unfair.  He’s personally opposed to gay marriage; but believes a Federal law prohibiting the right is unconstitutional and therefore thinks it’s best for each state to decide.  He opposed the use of marijuana, but supports the state’s decisions, and also supports the use of medical marijuana.  Most notably, he adopts a noninterventionalist policy regarding foreign affairs, while is a decidedly un-Republican thing to do (on the surface, at least).  So, it’s not as if a John McCain clone and his horrifying war stories are going to bat again, but Paul seems more focused on a goal than Mitt Romney did.

His chances:

The best.  In fact, I’m calling it now: Rand Paul is your Republican nominee!  Of course, many Republican voters want to see their guy be totally Republican, but at the end of the day when the views on fiscal issues line up usually the voters will bite the bullet and cast their ballot.  By remaining somewhat reasonably socially independent, Paul isn’t aligning his views too far to the right side, while makes him an appealing choice for fringe voters.

Of course, if Donald Trump seeks nomination, the United States as we know it is screwed and everyone should probably pack it in and head to Canada.


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