Dear studio executives,
Welp, it happened. Sony and Marvel have done what I once thought was impossible by jointly deciding they would figure out how to make the Spider-Man movies watchable again. I am optimistic, because while I wasn’t a fan of Iron Man, the Avengers, or any of the other billion superhero franchise Marvel seems bent on shoving down the world’s throat, I feel like the company which made Spider-Man could potentially rescue this franchise. Although I have been underwhelmed with the film’s you’ve put out so far, I am confident you won’t completely ruin my favorite superhero.
That being said, I would like to congratulate Sony on ruining my favorite superhero. Let’s get one thing straight, Sony, Peter Parker is the greatest superhero ever because he is basically a normal guy. Sure, he has powers, but they aren’t as powerful Superman. He has super strength, but he isn’t a raging hellbeast like the Hulk. He’s an average, reasonably lonely, aimless teenager. So while Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne are both billionaires in their off time while Thor is the God of whatever planet Thor is god of, Peter Parker is riding his bike to school, working a crappy job, and having trouble with girls. He’s the most realistic, relatable superhero in existence, and you guys went ahead and made him Andrew Garfield. In case you weren’t aware, Sony, Andrew Garfield’s geeky nuances would’ve possibly passed as being genuinely nerdy a decade ago, I’ll give you that, but by casting what amounts to a young James Bond as Peter Parker is an insult to the insecure, lonely teenager that lives inside all of us.
Fortunately, Sony will be providing the capital for the picture (set to release in 2017) while Marvel will handle things on the creative end.
No pressure, guys, but I feel it’s worth noting myself, along with millions of other Spider-Man fans expect retributions for Spider-Man 3. To this day I’ll never figure out how you (Marvel) managed to ruin the final installment of the Tobey McGuire Spider-Man movies by delivering an absolute laughingstock of a film. Spider-Man was an amazing introduction to the trilogy, while I consider Spider-Man 2 to be one of the greatest superhero films ever made. You then followed up by producing a two hour melodrama punctuated by a climatic end scene where the evil Topher Grace is defeated by smashing a bunch of metal together. If that sentence had any more problems, even Jenny McCarthy would want to vaccinate it. What’s worse, is Spider-Man 3 easily could’ve been the best film of the series. You have Peter Parker facing the reality of his best friend becoming aware of his identity of Spider-Man, and the best friend, Harry Osbourne is in the process of killing Spider-Man at all costs to avenge his father. But, rather than exploring this very dark theme by including an entire storyline based on this fact, the producers decided to kill off the “evil” Harry Osbourne by forcing him into suffering a comical brain injury within the first 10 minutes of the film. We could’ve been the decisive, centering theme of the movie basically devolved into turning James Franco in Pineapple Express James Franco. Oh, and back to Topher Grace. You finally did a film about what could arguably be the greatest Spider-Man villain of all time with Venom, but then went ahead and cast the guy from That 70’s Show as the series’ ultimate nemesis? I can’t even think of a witty comparison because I’ve never seen it happen, but this would be the equivalent of casting Sheldon Cooper as Magneto in the next X-Men. The most offensive gaffe of all, however, as Parker coming face to face with the Sandman, or Flint Marco, who was revealed to be Peter’s uncle’s killer. After chasing Marco for the entirety of the film, Parker and Marco come face to face at the end of the film, only to have Marco disclose a sob story to Parker about his uncle’s murder being “an accident”. Although this did turn out to be the truth, Parker gave almost no resistance to this statement, effectively stating, “yeah, bro, we good” as he watched Marco disappear into the horizon. Now, excuse my cynical thinking but if you came face to face with the guy you know for a fact killed your mom, would a simple explanation of “dude, my bad, it was an accident” be sufficient enough for you to say “you know what man, yeah, we’re good, now get out of here because the cops are looking for you, because let’s not forget, you are still a wanted criminal.”
Needless to say, Spider-man 3 ultimately set the bar pretty low. But Sony, if you remember, you guys went ahead and lowered that bar even farther by producing films that presented Peter Parker as if he were Otto Rocket and Zach Morris mixed together. Marvel, as a Disney-owned corporation, of course, is no stranger to lowering the bar, as the Eric Bana Hulk movie still haunts me to this day. But then again, if you are attempting three reboots of the same subject matter in a 16-year period, that doesn’t say too much for the confidence in the storylines. I just find it extremely disturbing that by the time a kid graduates high school in 2017, he will have been alive for as many Spider-Man reboots as he has Presidents of the United States.
So please, Marvel and Sony, don’t disappoint me like Spider-Man 3 or anything Andrew Garfield has ever done.