Presidential Elections

Well, here we are, just over two years away from the next Presidential Election.  This means very soon the airwaves will be polluted with campaign ads about why some candidates are great Americans and how others are on par ethically with Adolf Hitler.  President Obama’s time has seemingly flown by and 2016 will welcome a new face to the White House for the first time in eight years.

I love politics.  I minored in political science in college and I tend to actively follow major elections.  I am not, however, registered to vote, nor do I ever have any intention of voting at any level.  I don’t even vote for the MLB All-Star game or what flavor of Lay’s chips we should be forced to gag down every year.  This is partially because I typically don’t care who wins.

Some might find these admissions remarkably disturbing, and that’s understandable.  Technically, my decision to not partake in the election of my country’s leaders is exactly what democracy should not be.  As a white male, (which by the way, it the absolute worst way to start a sentence) my right to vote has not been compromised once in the 238 years that the United States of America has been a country.  And by CHOOSING to forgo the very democratic process the founding father’s fought for, I am spitting in the face of all those great patriots who established this great nation.

I just really like politics.  The empty promises, the erroneous falsehoods, and oh god, the attack ads?  There is nothing better than seeing two elderly gentlemen accuse each other of bribery and deceit via a mud-slinging television campaign.  So to be honest, these next two years are the best time to follow politics.  With President Obama leaving office in 2016, this means spots in both the Democratic and Republican parties will have openings for candidates.  So for the next 24 months, we will be subject to all the gory campaign ads, raucous debates, and parodies of the more ridiculous aspects of the candidates (if you have 30 seconds go ahead and watch this.

Anyway, I thought I would invoke some speculative thinking by presenting my nominees for each party.  Everyone listed has either officially announced they are running or have publicly expressed interest in doing so.


The Front-Runner – Hillary Clinton

Bio – Former Senator from New York, was a nominee in the 2008 Presidential election before ultimately losing out to Barack Obama, holds a Juris Doctorate from Yale, currently serves as Secretary of State under Obama.

Politics – National Journal, a publication which sought to gauge Clinton’s political thinking on a spectrum scale where 0=most liberal and 100=most conservative rated Clinton a 30.  Clinton tends to be more socially liberal than fiscally liberal, and holds a 90% Liberal Quotient from the Americans for Democratic Action interest group.

Why she will win – She’s done all this before.  In 2008 she spent a ton of money campaigning in small towns, seeking to influence the traditionally more conservative voters.  Running again in 2016 will mean she’s already experienced the rigorous nature of a campaign.

Notable achievements – Married to former President/Baller William Clinton.  So a win would make her not only the first woman to secure a presidential nomination, but she would also be the first former first lady to do so.

The Under-Dog – Joe Biden

Bio – Former Senator from Delaware, former Chairman of the Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Juris Doctorate from Syracuse University, current Vice President of the United States, two-time winner of the “least recognized figure in politics”

Facts – In 2011, Newsweek conducted a survey.  It was simple enough:  they allowed 1000 American citizens to take the citizenship test.  You know, that thing we make immigrants take to become official, shiny, new American citizens.  29% of ACTUAL AMERICAN CITIZENS did not know who Joe Biden was.  In their defense, the brief undoubtedly involved a recall form of questioning, but there is also no defense for not knowing the man that was a choking hazard away from becoming the President of the United States of America.

Why he will win – He’s also done this before.  Also in 2008.  Imagine that; the 2008 Democratic Party nomination came down to Obama, Clinton, and Biden, meaning they all would’ve debated and campaigned against one another, and now they all serve together in the White House.

The Dark Horse – Howard “That Guy” Dean

Bio – Former member of the Vermont House of Representative, former Governor of Vermont, served as the 50th chairman of the Democratic House Committee, YouTube celebrity

Explanation of what I just said – Here

Why he will win – He won’t.  Dude is insane.

Undoubtedly the most interesting candidate, who has absolutely already officially entered his name in the hat – Vermin Supreme

No, I am by no means kidding.

Bio – Activist.  If elected President will make it a Federal statute to make people brush their teeth.  Often seen wearing a boot (pictured) on his head and sporting a giant toothbrush.  In 2012, campaigned under the “Zombie Apocalypse Awareness” and “Time Travel Research” tickets.

Facts – Cannot stress enough, he’s already officially declared he will run for office.  Possibly not allowed within 500 yards of a school or Bed, Bath, and Beyond store (citation needed).


The Front-Runner – Marco Rubio

Bio – US Senator from Florida, served as the Speaker of the Florida House of Representatives, Miami City commissioner, was considered a Vice-president candidate by Mitt Romney, earned his J.D. from the U, home to many, many felons.  His wife is also a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader.  She looks like this:

Politics – Holds strong, conservative views both socially and fiscally, opposing legislation such as Rowe v. Wade and supporting a flat-rate federal tax.  Holds a 100% rating from the American Conservative Union interest group, and is considered to be the “crown prince” of the tea party movement.

Why he will win – Rubio, as conservative a Republican as you can hope to find, believes what he believes, and stands firm in his political stance on any issue.  Draws large support from the NRA, Hispanic voters, and has been a supporter of some of President Obama’s actions in the middle east.  Also, his wife would instantly dethrone Jacqueline Kennedy as the hottest First Lady in our nation’s history.

The Underdog – Jeb Bush

Bio – Son of former President George Bush, which makes him the brother of George W. Bush, governor of Florida, 5-time winner of the Stephan King lookalike contest.

Facts – His wife was born in Mexico, sure to scare off some of those hard-nosed Texan voters.  Has a degree in Business Administration from the University of Texas (Hook em’), was considered as Paul Tagilabue’s successor after the former NFL commissioner stepped down.

Why he will win – Experience.  Being the President apparently runs in the family.  I would think Thanksgiving gets awfully uncomfortable while H.W. and Junior talk about their tenures as poor Jeb sits back and can only think of what could be.

The Dark Horse – Donald Trump

Bio – Business mogul, investor, television personality, Chairman of the Trump Organization, estimated net worth of $4 billion.

Facts – Is a self-proclaimed “self-made man”.  And to think, he only needed $6 million of his dad’s money to do it!

Why he will win – I’ve gotta think if you throw enough money at something, you can make it happen, so why should the US Presidency be any different?

Non-American candidate who might as well give it a shot – Rob Ford

Bio – Former Mayor of Toronto, lover of partying and good times

Facts – Was driven out of his mayoral duties because of transgressions involving substance abuse.  To put it bluntly, Rob stated that he “probably smoked crack a few times in one of my drunken stupors.”  That, my friends, is honestly.

Why he will win – Unfortunately, Ford is not eligible to run for president, as he is a Canadian citizen.  Bummer.

Like I said, it’s early.  Perhaps to early to speculate who will or won’t be running for president in 2016.  But it’s never too early to start guessing.  With any luck, no one I mentioned will be anywhere close to the White House


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